Walt Mosspuppet: Tech News and Opinion

So the crapdamn US Patent Office again showed how irrelevant it is and how little it knows about technology when it recently granted Facebook a patent for the “the feed,” which refers to that list of information happening on Facebook. This is the patent claim:

A method for displaying a news feed in a social network environment, the method comprising: monitoring a plurality of activities in a social network environment; storing the plurality of activities in a database; generating a plurality of news items regarding one or more of the activities, wherein one or more of the news items is for presentation to one or more viewing users and relates to an activity that was performed by another user; attaching a link associated with at least one of the activities of another user to at least one of the plurality of news items where the link enables a viewing user to participate in the same activity as the another user; limiting access to the plurality of news items to a set of viewing users; and displaying a news feed comprising two or more of the plurality of news items to at least one viewing user of the predetermined set of viewing users.

Why was Facebook granted a patent for this? More to the point, why do software patents exist at all? Does anybody at the patent office have even the slightest goddamn idea of what it means to make software? Do any of these crapasses even have computers?

Here’s my question: Aside from the fact that this patent, like a great number of sofware patents, is vague and relates to activities performed on a great majority of sites for a really long time (prior art, much?) it’s all built on existing languages, and all that anyone can do when building software is use existing languages and systems. And before any of you bastards say:

But, Walt, a developer could use existing tools and APIs, but they could also develop their own languages!

Let me say:

Shut up.

Sure, Facebook could, in this case, write a new language to power the feed. They wouldn’t in this case because it has to work on the internet, but even if they did, so what? It all eventually goes down to Assembler, and ultimately, binary. How can any piece of software imaginable not be negated due to prior art? Answer: It can’t. Software patents are stupid.

And this is aside from the fact that a patent if enforced could mean that people who develop something on their own, in private, would be prevented from actually, you know, enjoying the fruits of their labor simply because they didn’t take the time to patent what is just their daily work, or because someone else did it first, or because some jackass got a patent through that is so vague it could reflect nearly anything.

In conclusion, software patents are stupid and should be destroyed. Make it happen, crapcakes. Make it happen.

I hear that Gruber’s wearing this backpack every day, to show his love of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s a brave choice, Gruber, considering how much of a tool the model looks wearing it, but as long as you’ve got the headband on, you have my respect.

I’m not sure if “respect” is the right word. Hmm.

(In case you’re wondering why he wears this backpack, I hear it’s because he thinks it makes him look like a superhero. Apparently he thinks all those pithy hit-and-run comments he makes on his blog make him some kind of crapdamn hero, or something.)

In a move that should surprise nobody but which seems to be taking every person in the world by surprise, Apple’s making noise about more and more devices using their surprisingly popular iPhone OS. Specifically there’s a posting on their job board for an “Engineering Manager (Platform Bring-Up)”:

The Core Platform team within Apple’s Core OS organization is looking for a talented and inspired manager to lead a team focused on bring-up of iPhone OS on new platforms. The team is responsible for low level platform architecture, firmware, core drivers and bring-up of new hardware platforms. The team consists of talented engineers with experience in hardware, firmware, IOKit drivers, security and platform architecture.

Why are any of you bastards surprised by this?

According to Peter Cohen at MacWorld, Apple’s OS X userbase increased from 25 million to 75 million from 2007 – 2009. Which is fantastic, but those numbers include all flavours of OS X. That’s all well and good, because the desktop and mobile OSes are both OS X, but the interfaces are completely different, and that’s important.

Apple said recently that there are 75 million iPhone and iTouch users, so use your fertile imaginations for a moment and suppose that that means that currently there are 35 million Mac OS X users, and 75 million iPhone and iTouch users (since the number of Mac OS X users and iPhone OS users are both growing, one much faster than the other). Hell, pretend that that number (quoted by Steve when he announced the breathtaking new iPad) represents total units sold, not unique users, and knock that number down by 10 million to reflect the people who’ve already purchased multiple iPhones.

That still gets you 35 million Mac OS X users, and 65 iPhone OS users.

What does this mean, crapcakes? It means that in 3 years, Apple’s mobile OS has become more popular than the desktop OS ever has. That means more people are familiar with the iPhone OS, and think that when we’re talking about Macs, that’s what we’re saying.

Are we surprised that Apple is going to continue to expand their most popular operating system?

Wouldn’t Apple have to be colossally stupid not to capitalize on this surprisingly large cash cow in every way imaginable? Hell, Steve was even quoted once as saying “Apple will be the Nike of consumer electronics,” and this fits perfectly in line with that insanely ambitious (and arousing) goal.

Jesus, bloggers, get a clue. And then shut up.

Brian Chen has an article in Wired called “Steve Jobs’ 6 Sneakiest Statements” where he tries to make it sound as though my close, personal friend is lying to us all:

Nice one, Steve. You got us there. Actually, you’ve fooled us not once or twice, but at least six times, by our count. What follows is a list of five more famously misleading quotes that Jobs pulled from his bag of tricks.

Then Brian goes on to list six times Steve said Apple wasn’t going to release a product, but then did. He even makes fun of me for the time Steve told me that Apple wasn’t interested in making a tablet.

You know what, Brian? In general lying is a bad thing, I think, unless it’s in the service of something great or awesome, which is always the case when Steve talks, and it’s especially always the case when Steve lies. Because the reason he lies matters. Do you know why Steve lies, Brian? I do. Steve Jobs lies because he’s a showman. He needs to build hype, and also he wants to find out if he can get away with it. Which he can. Because he’s Steve Jobs.

So why don’t you point your moral compass at someone who isn’t making the goddamn iPhone, and the iPad, okay? Steve is always pointing true north, even when he’s not.

The other day at the MWC, Microsoft’s Chief Sweaty Officer, Steve Ballmer, unveiled Windows Mobile 7, the next version of their loathsome interface for mobile phones. Engadget and Gizmodo need a nap after apparently climaxing on their keyboards in their insanely positive reviews of the new software, which will be made available on a wide variety of multitouch enabled phones on, I don’t know, sometime? I don’t know, because I didn’t look that information up, because it’s a Microsoft and that makes it evil.

I don’t understand what everybody’s all excited about with Windows Mobile 7. Sure, it’s remarkable that Microsoft actually rebuilt the thing almost from the ground up in order to take advantage of the current state of the art in phones, rather than just patching a broken piece of software like they tend to, and, sure, the interface is completely rethought and looks snazzy, but so what?

Do you want to know why Windows Mobile 7 sucks? They’re copying Apple again!

Even though the interface for Windows Mobile 7 is completely different from the iPhone interface, they’re obviously copying Apple. How? Simple:

• Visual Appeal – Windows Mobile 7 is visually dynamic and interesting, and seems to come as a result not just of adding glitz and glamor to a dull product, but actually rethinking the way the product should be used, and making that look pretty. That’s just about the only thing Apple does, Microsoft.
• Ease-of-use – The iPhone is a phenomenally easy device to use, and when Microsoft wants to compete again, what does it do? That’s right: it makes a phone that’s just as easy to use! Did you get through college by reading answers from other students’ tests, Ballmer?
• It’s a Compelling Product – Microsoft normally makes boring products that people use but don’t care about it. That’s their thing, even when they’re (as usual) trying to make their products look like Apple’s. So now they want to go make really interesting and compelling products? Shut up, Ballmer, you’re obviously just stealing another page from Apple’s handbook. Don’t you have an original thought in your head?

When you think about it, Microsoft’s successful attempt to come up with something new and innovative to secure their place as a contender in the mobile phone space is really pathetic.

Gizmodo can suck a lemon and die from it, after what they wrote about the Windows 7 interface compared to the iPhone interface.

I’m sorry, Cupertino, but Microsoft has nailed it. Windows Phone 7 feels like an iPhone from the future. The UI has the simplicity and elegance of Apple’s industrial design, while the iPhone’s UI still feels like a colorized Palm Pilot.

You ignorant sons of bitches. I’ll destroy you! How dare you say such a thing about the iPhone. How dare you! Do you have any idea how much effort my close, personal friend Steve Jobs put into personally designing that interface, and for what? So some Ballmer-come-lately hunk of junk can come around and get higher praise? What do you think the iPhone is, some cheap prom date you can ignore once you’ve had her on your back? No sir!

This isn’t over, Gizmodo. This isn’t over.

I was reading the liveblogging of the special iPad event that was held this past Saturday at Macworld, and I got to the very end before I realized that I was reading it in reverse. And you know what? Since every sentence by every one of their “expert” panelists was about how amazing the iPad is, it still made sense. Lookit:

Andy Ihnatko: It will lend credibility to the idea of computing via tablet, and Android and others will follow that path in another year or so as well. It’ll finally break us free from the “type on this, look at this” paradigm we’ve been stuck with.

I’m not sure if that should be taken as a compliment, or what.

I’m Walt Mossberg. Shut up.

Last week Michael Arrrrington, head of TechCrunch, issued a public apology on his blog because one of his interns had attempted to extort a poor, defenceless dotcom company who just didn’t know any better by offering to write a positive review of them in exchange for a MacBook Air. Arrington went on to say that this wasn’t the first time the kid had tried this tactic, and they imagined that he’d been successful in the past.

Arrington didn’t reveal the kid’s name, because he was under 18, but the kid outed himself in a pathetic non-apology on his adorable little blog. The intern was Daniel Brusilovsky, 17-year old wunderkid and founder of the Teens in Tech conference, which I’m sure wasn’t an awkward place to be at all, since it happened the day after all this went down.

Are you THAT Daniel Brusilovsky?

Shut up, you guys!

At first blush, it looks like Arrington did the right thing: he fessed up to a problem in his shop, he deleted all of the little bastard’s posts, and he fired him. But was it really so honourable? I don’t know. For one thing, TechCrunch’s stock in trade is not just covering tech companies but uncovering the asshattery of such companies, and if someone else exposed TechCrunch’s problems, well, that’d be hideously embarrrrrasssing for Arrrrington, wouldn’t it? Even if Arrington really believed what he wrote, which I think he did, it was still a defensive move, not some goddamn noble thing to be applauded.

I do find it funny that Daniel, the punk kid, learned how to lie during his internship for a cutthroat tech blog run by a lawyer. I don’t think Arrington had anything to do with creating this particular situation, but I find that detail to be titillating. And you know what? I like it when I’m titillated.

But Michael Arrrrrington isn’t the real bad guy in this situation, it’s Daniel Brusilovsky. Just who is this little bastard? According to Arrington, Scoble, and host of other middle-aged white men who no doubt have their fingers on the very pulse of the global youth culture, he was the next generation of tech writer. He was a star, he was a genius, some sort of savant when it comes to the web. I tell you, when I hear 40-year olds talk about a 17-year old in those terms, it makes me wonder if they actually understand what they’re supposed to be experts in.

Here this kid had a brass ring and he blew it because of greed. I’m sure he was precocious and had some level of insight into tech — if he hadn’t, Arrington wouldn’t have let him write feature articles, unless he wasn’t good on an absolute scale, only good for a 17-year-old –

I’m good for a 127-year old, Arrington, give me a paycheque and some prunes!

– and the kid was told again and again how amazing he was, without the age or experience to temper such smoke in the assery, and who knows, maybe started to believe it. Maybe because this kid was bumped to the head of the line by being able to write for the most influential tech blog in the world that he was really worth it, and that he was worth other things, like free computers, free hookers, and free cocaine.

Disclosure: I don’t know if Daniel Brusilovsky asked any companies for hookers and cocaine. That’s just what I’d have asked for.

So Daniel extorts a company, succeeds, then starts asking for more things, maybe. Eventually he asks for a MacBook Air from some hapless CEO, and rather than pay up, said CEO calls Arrington, and the kid gets busted. So then what happens? The little genetic smear posts a pathetic non-apology on his blog in a post titled “The Line Was Crossed.” This is how he starts his supposed apology:

In some way or another, a line was crossed that should have never been.

No, you little bastard, YOU crossed a line, in a very specific way. You did. Take ownership of what you did, don’t act like it was something that happened to you, that you were helpless to stop.

Then after issuing an empty apology devoid of any specifics whatsoever about what he was apologizing for, Daniel says:

This is the first day of the next learning stage for me. Yes, I am young, but from here, I can only learn more. To my family, friends, colleagues and especially, TechCrunch, I am sorry. I am taking this entire experience, learning and moving on.

The kid was an internet savant because he knew how to google for insincere apologies delivered by contrite politicians? Seriously, I’m pretty sure I’ve heard that exact apology, nearly word-for-word, come out of the mouths of senators caught having sex with transvestite Thai hookers in the oval office, while doped to the gills on Mescalin. His apology reads like he’s admitting to an opportunity instead of a transgression, like by acknowledging what he did without any goddamn remorse he’s actually accepting a promotion! It’s sickening.

Also, what kind of an idiot wastes a bribe on a single MacBook Air? I don’t mean to suggest it isn’t an amazing product — everything Apple makes is perfect — but if you’re going to go for a bribe, why not go for something bigger, like hookers and cocaine? Daniel had already extorted other companies, and a laptop seems like the kind of thing you start with, not lead up to.

Kids, right?

I’d love to rub Arrington’s nose in this, because I hate the pompous bastard so much, but really, this just isn’t that interesting a story. It’s sad, sure, but hardly noteworthy. Someone out there is corrupt? Stop the goddamn WordPresses!

This has been Walt Mossberg; shut up.

It’s so cute that the makers of the totally decent but staggeringly unpopular Opera browser have made a version for the iPhone, which they’ll be supposedly be demoing at the Mobile World Congress on the 15th in Barcelona.

Promising to be “fast, easy to use, and packed with favorite Opera features”, the browser will reportedly come with tabs and Speed Dial.

Jon von Tetzchner, Opera’s Co-founder said, “We have not submitted it yet to the Apple App Store. However, we hope that Apple will not deny their users a choice in Web browsing experience,” said Jon von Tetzchner, co-founder of Opera.

“We have not submitted it yet?” Are you going to, Jon? Why would you do that? It’s bad enough that they already got their developers’ hopes up and made them waste so much time on the app, but do they really want to go through the public humiliation of being rejected from the app store? Jon, you have to know that the only way “Opera” makes it onto the iPhone is if it’s just a skinned version of Safari, because as we all know, the ultimate web browsing experience doesn’t allow for browser options, right? No, it doesn’t: it’s Safari or Shut Up.

Some of you might want to send me a snarky-ass note about the article I linked to, saying “The Mercury browser says it’s a replacement for Safari, so it must be a whole new browser you’re mean waaaaah!” but don’t, because you’re wrong. If Mercury is a whole new browser, I’ll eat my hat.

Here’s a tip for you, jackasses: in the iPhone SDK you can drop the browser into your app. Which means you can pretend you’ve made a new browser in a way that Apple is totally happy with. Which means that all of the “other” browsers in the App Store are really just Safari in an ugly new dress. Get it?

Seriously, look at some of the Mercury screenshots and tell me that doesn’t look like the standard crappy interface a person does when they’re just hacking something together. And you mean to tell me that the people who made that were able to somehow, with a staff of one or two people and a handful of Pizza Pockets, create a full, feature-rich browser with nobody hearing about it? A modern browser is a massive undertaking. I call shenanigans on this being anything other than a cute little skin of the browser. Probably each “tab” in the thing is really just a new goddamn instance of the Safari browser itself; this would explain why most of the reviews I saw just now highlighted the app’s bugginess and slow speed.

So most likely (by which I mean that it is absolutely certain) that Apple has not reversed its sensible embargo on non-Safari browsers, which means that Opera is boned.

It’s a cute idea, Jon, and the people who use Opera really like it, but you’re like Sisyphus pushing the boulder up the hill, and you know what? Eventually Sisyphus got a kink in his leg, fell down, and the boulder squished his brains all over the mountainside.